If you really want to go all the way like our friend Stuart, youre going to have to go to the closet in the back room and unzip the fast-action coated zipper on that garment bag and whip out yesterdays dreams, that polyunsaturated green leisure suit. Dont forget to accessorize with white belt and shoes. Next, with quickened breath, untangle your neck chains. Remember how they felt against your concave chest? Finally, way back on the top shelf is the Burt Reynolds wanna-be toupee. It calls to you "Im all the seratonin youll ever need baby!" Combine this with your white shag rug, Naugahyde couch. Dont forget to oil for extra luster -- if for any reason other than when you and your date go from upright to supine, the descent will be smooth and noise-free.
After 16 calls you finally get the chick to come to dinner Wednesday night. Fix the ultimate pre-sex meal: oysters, caesar salad and a large pepperoni stick. Do yourself a favor and for once dont buy the Mogan-David. It doesnt matter what else you choose -- its bound to be a step up.
When Gloria arrives, have the scented candles lit. Bummer! In your haste you bought Bay Berry -- go with it. Claim they put you in a festive mood. Put on Sex-O-Rama 2. Sorry its only available on CD. If you have to buy a player, youll be able to afford a really good one from the proceeds of selling your 8-track deck to some 70s nostalgia geek.
As Gloria scans the pad, shes having a sense of déjà vu -- the last time she went out with you was 20 years ago. Was it the Skin Bracer after shave or the Jonathan Livingston Seagull collectors edition on your coffee table? Someone once told you it made you look sensitive.
Maybe its the heat that makes her head swim or the fact that you finally have some groovy music playing. On deck is "Blow me Down," a genuine Issac Hayes knock-off. Kinda makes you wanna run out and buy a white turtleneck. Gloria settles down on the couch with some red wine. The soothing sounds of "Seduction" are getting her worked up. Stuart takes his cue and makes his move next to Gloria and lights up a Tiparillo. She doesnt know what turns her off more, the butt or the sounds of "Pearl Necklace." It reminds her of the opening gig for Tony Orlando. Gloria feels the evening slipping away, but her hunger is extreme. Before the oysters get too slimy, Gloria decides to eat some. They go down easy; Stuart enjoys that.
Gloria feels she should get up and polka, leaving Stuart on the Naugahyde by himself. Stuart wistfully places the pepperoni next to the caesar salad as "Private Dick" rears its head. Glorias and Stuart's eyes meet. Oh hell, this evening has potential. If this groove in "Private Dick" doesnt elevate you to admiral in the chick's eyes, nothing will. For a moment Gloria wonders if Stuart has slipped something into the Inglenook rosé. She could swear she was listening to Jefferson Airplane and the great tune about the albino hare. This song would even get Grace Slicks "Bottoms Up."
As the evening comes to a close, or should we say climax, Gloria and Stuart realize they have been listening to some really outta sight music performed by some great musicians paying homage to the masters of sexadelic music of the 70s. So if you're looking for some really groovy music, an evening with Sex-O-Rama 2 is where its at.
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